There is no doubt this is a milestone indeed. I’ve been traveling through this single-chance journey called life for about twenty-five years now. And it has been a rocky, tumultuous time. I was born to a loving mother, adopted by a loving father, and surrounded by an amazing family. Yet I’ve never appreciated it. I’ve always been a downer my life to be honest. I always thought my life was harsh. It is of no fault of my family, but mostly myself. Rather than view the positives in life, I’ve always seen the negatives. And where bad thoughts congregate, bad results happen. My depressive streak led me to shun social interaction, preferring instead the company of books or the anonymity of the internet.
Over time, I built up a second me if anything. A more open, honest version. Though filled with flights of fancy and filled with adolescent dreams. My online persona is a complete 180* from my real world one, but as the years piled on the lines got increasingly blurred.
Long story short, I’ve grown to be pessimistic in real life and online as well. After the fourth and final attempt at relationships, I’ve stopped. I’ve cut off contact with many and just focused on the now and immediate. I had graduated from college, and working part time at a grocery store. I was recovering from a low point in life, and readjusted. My pessimistic self had always decried that I shall have committed suicide by this age, but now I just want to live as low as possible. Not possible if I manage a blog that at least has some readership. But in all honesty relations with my family has…reached a sort of détente. The crying, the fighting. It all stopped, or at least abated for now.
Within a year I had been hired to work for the Federal government, and now I can at least see some of my childhood fantasies and dreams bearing fruit. I’ve not gotten more jovial, but the crushing despair and debilitating depression is at least, replaced with a sort of pessimism, a view that I’m in it for the journey, rather than quickly putting a fine line on when I shall end it. Life has just gotten more beautiful when I stopped focusing on the shadows but also the looking at the light. I have missed opportunities. Many of my own doing, some by chance, but it shouldn’t stop me from continuing on. Ending because I’ve reached this arbitrary age is sinful and deprives myself of the peaks and valleys I’ve yet to see.
I have no rights to that but God himself.
So, as the hourglass trickles more sand, to reach the next marker of thirty, I can only look on in wonderment, pessimism, and at least, a less fatal outlook on life. It’s best to stop thinking about all the negatives in life, and frankly, just go on living it. It isn’t a full closure of the last 25 years, but it’s the start. And I may not be thirty, but it works for me.
I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years